They lurk in the dark places of the human domain,
most are hidden in the abyss, imprisoned by the firm waves above,
many lurk in shallower places, their tentacles pull great vessels from the surface,
the elite fly from mountain peaks through the clouds, ready to swoop upon whoever they choose.
They are the most appealing of all our neighbours,
they have familiar features, though we know that they are foreign,
their clothes are perfectly white, blinding to look upon even in the twilight,
they wear golden crowns upon their heads - for they are Kings of us all!
They know how to convince, deceive, lie,
their silver tongues hang out loosely, yet they are all charmers,
their spies hide behind every wall, gathering every utterance to twist,
then they bribe you, or else resort to black mail.
They hold a private circus just for you,
the clowns disturb you, but you know their purpose is to entertain,
the bears and the lions threaten to run lose, but they are tame and their cages are secure,
then the gladiators enter, and they cry, "let the bloodshed commence!"
They wage wars for dominance amongst themselves and against their nemeses,
regiments march to certain death, they die for a greater cause,
their cavalry gallop on the winds, ready to deliver the decisive charge,
and the generals watch from afar, knowing that they have already won.
They lurk in the dark places of the human domain,
they inhabit the fiery bowels of the Earth, revelling in its turbulence,
they ride on the magma, but they wish to ride on lava,
erupting through the crust, polluting the world outside.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Thank you for your reviews.
The contrast is intentional. I made few descriptions about their appearance (with the exception of tentacles, I might consider changing that, and wings, which can imply an angelic or devilish appearance) in the first stanza. They're supposed to be look like good creatures, but in reality their outer shell is hiding a rotten core. And their apparent purity ("their clothes are perfectly white") can deceive the observer ("blinding to look upon even in the twilight.").
It seemed to be missing emotion.
All of it seemed for like fact fact fact instead of opinion included.
Try to add a little more feeling into it. The poem itself is great and has extremely good concepts but it could use some work. Id suggest adding different metaphors and more visualizations.
Try to add more personality into the subject.
Other than that absolutly wonderful.
I think I have it now... strange story...very very interesting...I guess it's pretty good...
I'd like to see more of you...then I'll understand your character...
this writing is a secret rapped in deception and saturated with peril.
I think it was beautifully written. It is mysterious with a haunting air. I do love it. Don't worry what anyone says.
I only have one question-
You imply earlier that they are dark and evil creatures. White is a color of purity. You make them sound like Angels.
As I said, it is very good and it makes you think.
Keep writing!
Xx Forever Threnody
I read this work and didn't feel what you were trying to tell me.
interesting settings...icky transitions...(the way I saw it at first)
you state one by using the overall story of demons...then you make situations that don't even allude to anything ( that's what I saw at first)
I'll think about come back and read it again...if I still don't get it I'm sorry for not understanding
and you may want to try again...